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I Think…

Our last days…

What will they look like?  Will we know our time is nearly over? Or, will “the” moment come as a surprise?  Will it be horrible?

These are thoughts; most of us never want to consider.  Somehow, they creep into our minds, grabbing hold of our mental vision, with uncontrolled pixilation.

Am I just getting older?  Could this be some kind of timetable that happens naturally, when you are expecting to die?  I hope not!  Even so, I know my days are moving in haste.  I feel like I am floating on one of those quick moving clouds, in the sky.  I am no longer in control of my pace.

Visions of my ending explode in my mind, like the snowflakes of a shaken snow globe.  They refuse my attempts to gather them, regaining my control over thought.  I do not want to obsess over my end, rather live until that day.  So, why must I repeatedly relive the potential episodes of my death?

It is not fear, that makes me ask this question.  I do not fear my passing.  I believe in the peace I have been offered, and will find my sanctuary there.  It is the torment of leaving behind those you love so dear.  I don’t wish to say “good-bye.”  Nor do I want to take them with me.  Now that, is a twist on words.  I actually do want them to go with me, just not at the same time I journey into my next life.

The simplest option is to pass quietly in your sleep.  It is unexpected, and easiest for all.  That probably sounds crazy, as who wants the shock of losing the person they love, without a moment to say, “I love you.”  I say this is easiest, because I have watched family after family struggle with the “knowing” a family member would die.  The highs and the lows of this time are difficult, emotionally.  Each day, waking, remembering that today is slicing off moments, one-by-one, of the last occasions, you will share.  This is devastatingly draining, for everyone.

However, there are blessings, in having time to say your final words.  Cancer seems so cruel and twisted.  Nevertheless, we often have days, months, sometimes years, to complete those moments we dearly desire to create.  Even though we can see the pain in our family’s eyes, we know they cherish this chance to linger in the precious strands of our seconds, just as we do.  The true blessing, I think… is when we know we are ready!

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I am a mother of 16 children and grandchildren. Some of them are by blood and the rest by heart. I was a foster mom for a few years and the children I cared for during that time have mostly stayed with me through the years. I love to write, read, dance, paint, and play with my animals. I enjoy dressage riding and just being in the barn. My words are my gift, as they allow you to know me as I really am. Thanks for joining me on this ride of life!

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