Connecting without committing.
I was just reading a fellow blogger “about me” post, http://dreambigdreamoften.co/2015/10/31/my-way/.
He talks about spending much of his time alone due to allergies and shyness. Is writing an outlet for his loneliness? I think it must be. As a child, I had one friend. I thought she was all I needed. One day, on the way to school, I was around 12 or 13 years of age when I saw my friend standing with a group of other girls. I knew who they were, but I’d never given them a second thought.
Apparently, I was on their mind much more than they were on mine. As I walked past they yelled cruel things at me. I’m sure I was in shock, so after looking at them briefly, I continued walking.
This was the last day I knew friendship, without mistrust. For the next two years, I was the school outcast. My dad was relocated, by the Air Force, to Rome, New York. I believe by this time my own seclusion from others somehow made me look like an easy target. The result, there was a group of girls who were determined to show me who was boss.
When one of my classes mates, just days before we left my previous school, punched me in the face and knocked me out. Everything about my life became about people with strength. Myself included. I was determined no one would ever hurt me again. I would have the strength to be my own hero.
When the girls at the new school got their strongest member to drag me into the bathroom, I held onto the side of a classroom door, and refused to budge. I clearly remember looking around the classroom and seeing a male teacher sitting there, looking up at me and then continuing his work.
Kids were lined all along the hallway, watching. With a skirt on, I’m sure I gave the guys a great shot. Something many of them were happy about. It seems one of the reasons I was so bullied was jealousy, as I was an attractive girl, who blossomed at a young age.
This group gave up, as I wasn’t budging. After that day, surprisingly, I wasn’t bullied at this school any longer. I can only attribute this to my strength, and their knowledge as to the level of it. I had become my hero, just as I had hoped I would be.
Unfortunately, it would end. My dad retired, and we moved back to our old home. At 15, with a knockout body and pleasing looks, the girls there remembered me and continued making me the school outcast.
Result? I never properly learned to socialize. It isn’t that I am shy, or afraid to talk with anyone. Just the opposite. My career was in sales, and I did very well. For many years, I was also a professional actress, singer and dancer. I owned a dance studio for years. I can talk with anyone for brief moments. It’s friendships I struggle with!
This is why I write. I hunger for friendship and connection with others. However, I am terrified of commitment to anyone who could be my best friend standing on that corner, saying cruel things.
My blog is a way to make friends. Connecting without commitment. I hope you will want to be my friend and accept my friendship. I think… from behind my screen.