irumeur...
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irumeur…

Regret!  Do we have any regret?  I read inspirational blogs, saying to “Live with no regrets.” or, “I have no regrets.”  How do we grow in compassion and learn -without regret?

I have lots of regrets.  Some may be as small as thinking some man was ugly -up to, not becoming a veterinarian.  Some of them mattered -like, getting in the car with the boys who raped me -to the last time I whipped my eldest daughter.  She lied to me, so I whacked her three times with a belt.  I had so much regret -I never hit her again.

I’ve made mistakes.  Lots and lots of mistakes have been plaguing my conscience, for a very long time.  Each of these mistakes, or errors in judgement, helped me to grow, as a human.  Compassion, regret, change, giving -these are all needed, so we become better people.  Not perfect, but better!

Maybe my biggest regret would be for the anger, self-loathing and vengefulness I experienced after being raped.  I punished myself for years!  I set out to use sex, as a way to get revenge.  In the end, it was me that suffered.

At first, I wanted to believe that one day, the boy I used, would fall in love with me.  If he only loved me -I would be set free from the pain in my heart.

Reality didn’t take long to set in.  These guys used me back -for a different reason -I was just something they lusted after.  So, I allowed lust to drive me as well.  What I wanted -it would be mine!  I prized myself, on my talents.

Lust becomes animalistic.  We are no better than the dog, searching out the female in heat.  Is this what we want?  Has our society been reduced to animals, lusting after every person that “smells” good?

All I ever wanted, was to be a mom!  A wife! Someone I could be proud of.  I stole that from myself.  You bet I have regrets!

I believed my need for sex, was more important than anything.  If the man I wanted, stopped wanting me -it wasn’t him I missed, but the feel of him.  This is insanity!

My lust -knew no limits, carried little morality, and was fueled by my lack of good consciousness.  Regret, the greed to be needed -wanted, was the only materialism I sought.  All it brought me, was sadness, and momentary elation.  It wasn’t worth the damage I did to my dignity, my pride, my self-worth, my hope for a better tomorrow.  I was an animal, led by revenge!

Loving someone -is about waiting, respecting, and valuing yourself, and them.  Don’t be an animal, rutting one another to find the heart who wants only you.  The man that wants you -the woman who will say “no,” this is the person that will still be there when you are old, and nothing works.  Trust me -you will get there!

To find yourself -to be human, I think…is to regret.

 

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I am a mother of 16 children and grandchildren. Some of them are by blood and the rest by heart. I was a foster mom for a few years and the children I cared for during that time have mostly stayed with me through the years. I love to write, read, dance, paint, and play with my animals. I enjoy dressage riding and just being in the barn. My words are my gift, as they allow you to know me as I really am. Thanks for joining me on this ride of life!

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