Through escape, we make choices that have been little to do with logic. We dive in, believing these choices will save us from our sorrow, our fears, our loneliness.
I made such a choice when I married my first husband. If only…
So, that is where my life took me -and the search to undo the mistakes of my youth, I left him. I left him, and took our two small children.
I did not want them to live as I had lived, struggle as I had struggled, feel defeated, as I felt defeated. Giving them a chance…
Did they suffer more? Where my choices the right choices? Could I have done more to help him be the man they deserved? I don’t have these answers. I did the best I could, with a weakened and frightened mind.
Today, this man, I spent eight years of my life with -has left us. I am not without shame. I am not without pity -for this life, he has led. I never asked him to forsake his children, choosing his own path. I never wanted them to be without a father -him!
I would not change the choice I made in leaving him -only the outcome of that departure. His life -it should have been valued by someone. He deserved to be loved by someone. He chose his path -but I still wanted more for him, then he wanted for himself. This man, simply became their father -in a time when it wasn’t meant to be.
My tears, they are not only for my children, but for this man who loved me. I wish he would have stopped loving me. Maybe… if he had chosen us. Then, I could have grieved for him -without pity. Pity for this life, a worthless life, this man -my children barely know.
Will it make their pain less, at his loss? I think that not having a chance to love him, know him, and care for him as a father is a loss they must now face. A loss stolen. How? How can I fix this, for them?
The sorrow I feel, for his own torment -when he would have given his life, to stop mine.
I’ve always cherished the moments we shared when his heart was pure, and untainted by his choices. He would drive the truck around, the children in front and me free with the wind blowing through my hair -standing on the back. He wanted me to feel free, from the burdens of my life -how much I appreciated those moments.
Did he find his way in those last seconds? I pray that he did. I pray that he thought of his children, and knew they loved him. I wish I could have told him -the goodness inside of him. A goodness that shined during the rare moments he was free from his own torment. In those rare moments, I loved him too!
Good-bye… good-bye to this man who was there when I wanted to run. When I was too frightened to face my own future. When I was too weak to move forward alone. Thank you for being there. Thank you for loving me… good bye