I don’t know!
Am I a webtoon character where someone else gets to decide when I die, who I love, what I become?
I try to remember the last time any decision I made for my own life came to fruition. As a young woman, I knew who I loved and what I wanted to be. Along my path, I’ve made choices to dare myself in facing the dangers of rejection, loneliness, and disappointment -believing if I tried hard enough I would one day be in control.
Yet, here I sit without a single hope my dreams will come true.
With each step, I get knocked back down. With each choice, I am forced to accept I am not in control. With each desire I am shown a trickle of satisfaction. With each change I make it only becomes a new way to fail. Why? Who are you who holds the pen to my creation?
If your hand must intervene into my every drawing why do you give me barriers I can’t break through? Did you create me for disillusionment? Did you give me desire, creativity so I would see -and then place the eraser to my success?
Your plan… an understanding. Anything that will make my life worth living.
I am your pawn. You created me. You molded me. You love me. But, you don’t want me to rise above my limitations and love myself.
Is there a plan?
Are my scenes already drawn?
Can we change them just once?
Must I die and be forgotten?
My handicaps have been to difficult to over come. I want to be a part of the living but your eraser prevents me from moving out of bounds. Is there something about me I don’t know? My shortcomings, my fears, my self-doubt, I fight through and push on -then, it comes… the knowledge that this is the farthest I get to go.
Why do you draw me lonely?
Was I drawn this path to understand suffering?
As you place your pencil to paper are my dreams forgotten ?
Is this the best of me?